When you hear the terms seasoned military spouse or young military spouse, your gut responds—doesn't it? There's a stigma associated with these stereotypes. Young spouses are too peppy, and seasoned spouses are too grumpy.
But there's more to it than that. Beneath the stereotypes are incredible people who don't look all that different from each other.
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Common Misconceptions of the Military Spouse Community
It’s no secret that seasoned spouses might find that younger or new spouses are too energetic and that the plot twists of military life haven't worn them yet. However, younger spouses may think seasoned ones are salty—they're jaded, hard to please, and lack compassion.
The stereotypes aren't wrong. But they aren't right, either. To break the negative thought cycle, you have to understand both ends of the spectrum.
- Young spouses. Those new to military life are often visually full of life. They might be bubbly because they're excited about what the future holds. They're often young, with fewer responsibilities, and ready for the ride. They may feel eager to join the community, get involved, and make friends. Their view of this unique lifestyle is likely still one-dimensional.
- Seasoned spouses. If they've been married and part of the military life for a decade or more, these spouses have been around the block one, two, or ten times. They understand all the difficulties associated with the lifestyle, from searching for adequate healthcare to losing household goods in a PCS move, transferring kids' schools, putting careers on hold, saying impossible goodbyes, lacking necessary help, and more. But among the challenges they've overcome, they're steady, and their heart rates don't rise when things change.
To a young spouse, a seasoned one's responses might feel a little deflating. And a seasoned spouse may feel a little tired looking at an eager new spouse.
While these feelings float within the military community, they don't define it. As with every stereotype, you'll find some that fit the mold to a "T," but most don't. Many seasoned spouses feel rejuvenated or inspired after spending time with a younger spouse. New people bring new ideas and offer a welcome change. And young spouses often look to older ones to guide them through unfamiliar territory.
Military Life Challenges that Break the Boundary
The unique challenges of military life aren’t picky. Curveballs affect nearly everyone, and they're what brings everyone together.
- Deployment: Deployment is a unique beast, causing worry, loneliness, and burnout. Nearly every military spouse acutely knows how this feels and how it impacts the family.
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- Relocation: PCS moves require so much of military members and their families. Uprooting for a job that the servicemember may or may not want takes a toll, as does setting roots in a new town every two to three years.
- Maintaining friendships: Frequent moves force premature goodbyes and make it difficult to surround yourself with quality relationships.
- Raising children: Parenting is not easy. Solo parenting is even more challenging. Most military spouses understand what it's like to parent without a partner or with one coming in and out every few weeks.
- Underemployment: One of the biggest challenges in the military spouse community is the lack of job opportunities. It's challenging (and often impossible) to retain a job, much less advance a career with frequent moves and separations.
The One Thing All Military Spouses Have in Common
The military spouse community is outstanding—there is nothing like it. The men and women within it move mountains. They find ways to make life more efficient and ensure our families don't get lost in the shuffle. How? They work together. Good luck finding another community that does for one another what military spouses (young or seasoned) do.
I asked a group within the community, “When was a time you felt saved by another military spouse?”
Here are a few of their responses:
Sara:
I’ll never forget when an admiral’s wife from our community called me. We were crossing from the West Coast to the East Coast, and she checked on us, even though we hadn’t met her yet. She continued to check on me occasionally during that tour. We all still laugh because my four kids would bring our cat to her (they called her ‘the nice lady’ ) as an offering, and we learned years later she is very allergic!
Emily:
When my hubby and I were both deployed, I thought I’d be coming home to no one. The spouses in my hubby’s squadron showed up in the middle of the night with signs.
Meg:
Kelli saved me! We had just arrived in Okinawa. I was newly pregnant, caught a stomach bug, and had a rambunctious two-year-old. Kelli dropped toilet paper and Gatorade on the porch and connected me with a reliable neighborhood teen who watched my toddler while I napped. We had met once.
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Erika:
Kursten cleaned up my child’s vomit as I pulled into my driveway after a seven-hour flight with four kids by myself when my husband was deployed.
Ellen:
Christy was a guiding light during our time with the squadron. She extended invites, checked in on us during deployment, and arranged ways for us to connect during Covid/deployment. Christy was also a calming and reassuring voice during a devastating mishap that rocked our world. She used her years of experience as a military spouse and her connection with us to help us cope with the loss, shock, and grief.
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Samantha:
Cheri moved in with me while our husbands were deployed to Afghanistan. I had just buried our nine-day-old daughter eight weeks before they left—I couldn’t sleep at night. She picked up her whole life (and dog) and stayed with me for the seven months they were gone. It was a hard and dark time, but she was the light that kept me alive. Lots of wine, girls' nights, and Big Bang Theory binges quickly filled that dark season.
Taylor:
Taylor was by my side for a very long and eventful birth while my husband was deployed. And Megan walked my dog nearly every day for six weeks after the birth, so I didn’t have to.
Lauri:
Without Robin and Lori, I NEVER would have survived the one-year unaccompanied tour my husband did to Bahrain. From watching my boys to taking me to the ER with multiple migraines, these ladies were my rock, my sanity, and my best friends!
Diversity comprises this incredibly unique community. Age is just one factor, but it's the very thing that allows spouses to support, serve, and grow one another. Mentorship brings young spouses through military life with their sanity, reminding them that they're not alone and helping them make the most of an unfortunate hand, creating unbreakable bonds.
Last-minute PCS orders and deployments, while unfortunate, can be a hill and not a mountain to climb. And young spouses remind seasoned spouses they started this life just the same—fresh, new, and a touch less salty.
"By my husband's retirement, I was considered a ‘seasoned spouse,’ a mentor, an advisor. But if I dug a little bit, deep down inside, I still saw myself as that brand new military wife, even after 31 years."—Jen McDonald
The bottom line? The military spouse community is not whole without both.
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